I want to be an English professor. That is what I want more than anything. Or a high school teacher. But preferably a professor, or better yet, an associate, so that I assist somebody and don't really have to teach. :) Maybe I can grade the papers. But I want a master's in English and maybe a Ph D. I just haven't had enough English yet in my life. I don't know that I can ever get enough really.
But I want to write novels, and be published, and be an English professor, and publish theses and things. That's my goal.
Things that are making me feel depressed. (These are in no particular order)
(1) I made a mistake on the wedding invitations. It's supposed to be "Southwood Drive" not "Southwest Parkway."
(2) I can't fit into half my nice dresses, nor any of my nice jeans because I've gained weight.
(3) I can't write anything. I tried Mon. and Tues. but today I gave up. I feel dead when I can't write, dead and useless.
(4) Every time I try to cut back on food I feel sick to my stomach, like now, I had tomato soup instead of, you know, food and it made me feel sick.
(5) Oh, God, this is a big one. I have received my fourth $633 medical bill from Conroe Regional Medical Center, and the first 3 times I called they were so fucking rude. I did everything they said on contacting the insurance people. I don't understand who's dropping the ball and I don't know enough about insurance to even argue with them, but I know I have a co-pay and I shouldn't pay it. That one's really got me down.
(6) My driver's license is expired. I need to go to DMV. If I don't, then I can't register to vote in this county and if I don't vote then Bush may be re-elected.
(7) There is a war going on in Iraq and over 700 U.S. soldiers have died. The govt needs more troops and senators are trying to reinstate the draft.
(8) A&M dropped my email address and I can't seem to find a reliable POP3 server email address. I keep trying but I don't know. It's very depressing. And now no one knows my email address.
Things that make me happy.
(1) I am eating a brownie right now.
(2) I tried on my prom dress today and even though it's too snug in the hips I look better in it then I did in high school. If I lose a little weight maybe I can wear it to a writer's banquet someday and look really hot and goth in it.
(3) I am getting married to Nathan, in a beautiful church, officiated by a woman, with a beautiful dress, my best friend, incredible wedding cakes and an elegant reception at the Hilton.
(4) This is a big one. My dad is paying for our wedding and has given me WAY more money than we will need. He is also totally paying for all our honeymoon, a 7-day Carribean cruise. I will go to the Carribean. And I will not have to fly in a plane yet.
(5) I discovered the most incredible manga this week that has changed my life, well, not really, but it has been ages since I have read a really good book and this is like a book. It's called Alichino.
(6) I am seeing my grandparents this weekend. And Nathan is making the trip with me.
(7) Oooh, this is a good one. Since I have started playing the piano again, I can now play Moonlight Sonata all the way through. It is so awesome! When I started again, I thought there is no way I can learn that piece again! But I did it. I can play it now, and it sounds great.
Wow, better than therapy. All I need is to get a REAL blog skin, add in all my perks, and I will be cool again.
Looking at the Unquiet Tomb has reminded me of a couple of experiences I never gave much thought. One is this: the day of 9/11 I went out of my dorm and outside on the cobblestone was this Native American man in full regalia dancing around the Sul Ross statue, seemingly worshipping or grieving. I stopped and watched him but everyone else just passed by. It was so strange. It just made me wonder if he was really real. I never stopped to wonder then and of course, when I came back to my dorm a few moments later he was gone.
Then there's the ghost of Oak Alley, of which I have two pictures -- grievously I can't find that second one. Hmmm. Maybe that will be today's project since my writing is not coming along. I don't know what it is. I just feel like I have nothing to impart, nothing at all to say. I feel more like absorbing experience, so maybe that's what I will do.
I am also really jumpy. After seeing this really creepy photo which looked like a ghostly person covering up the camera when this girl took a picture I went into the other room to get my blanket and my bathroom door was closed and the light and fan were on. I freaked out so much my heart hurt REALLY bad and I am now convinced that you can have a heart attack and die from fear. Then 10 seconds later, after staring at the door and very nearly running out of the house I realized I had put Drano in the bathtub and had closed the door and put the fan on while it worked. (The drain is still clogged, dammit) but even when I remembered that it still scared me so much to have to open that door. Jeez, I am jumpy today.
Okay, I am going to quest for that negative... or something. Sigh. Bored. Tired.
Have I mentioned today that I love Alichino? And Gaywyk. Well, I just wanted to mention that. Those two works which umm... are both gothic, Victorian, and varying degrees of homosexual... have given me two epiphanies and two stars to shoot for. I am not the same after either one. Sigh.
I truly can't fathom the thought of never going to college again, never learning anything again. I feel that I have to, someday, somehow. Sigh. I never did want to be one of those "adults" in the class. I will try to dress young when I do. Actually there was one lady in my class who was, I think 35-38 and she did NOT look it. When everyone found out she was that old they couldn't believe it because she acted so nice and cool. Some of those adults can be really annoying though.
When I think about literature, it's a feeling that is too much to put into words, this exultation grips me. I was so emotional in all my English classes... and studying on my own admittedly is very gratifying... but it's not the same without a teacher. It's hard to stay on track, especially when I'm trying to write, too. I have all these things I want to do and balancing them out is difficult. If I get too rigid about a schedule, then I just rebel against it.
And what is up with my f-ing email? Grrr..